We live in a society that offers help to fix any problem.
If your sink is clogged you can call a plumber
If your window gets smashed, you call the glass window fixer person
If something is stolen you can report it and have people out looking for it
If you are hungry, you can find food
If you break a leg you can go to the hospital and have it repaired
If your heart is broken there is no one to call to fix it.
I always thought that heartbreak was universal and even when it feels like we’re alone in feelings of brokenness and rejection, it’s fairly common to go through heartbreak so we’re told that we’re never alone.
But then I realized that not everyone has had their heart broken, and for some reason this blew my mind. Imagine going through life and never knowing what it’s like to have your heart shattered to pieces by the one person you never thought was capable of doing such a thing.
Imagine!
There are actual adults walking this earth who’s hearts are intact! I’m willing to bet the number is small but it’s still crazy to think about. Nothing against them of course, I want to say in some ways they’ve won a lottery but in other ways, maybe they’re missing out on the silver linings that come from heartbreak.
So where do we go when we feel the one person who knows us best, who we usually go to when we’re down or need a pick me up is the same person who left us feeling so depleted and empty and quite literally broken?
I am going out on a limb here but I think heart break is the one thing that cannot be fixed, supported or helped by other people, it is the one single thing in life that must be “fixed” by ourselves.
There are things that can help, people we can go to but nobody knows this pain and the exact things you are feeling except for you.
You go through loops and lows ranging from feeling lost, empty, shocked, and the sheer attempt at recognizing that this is now your life, the acceptance piece, is it’s own level of difficult. You question your worth, wonder what’s wrong with you, question how you could’ve done better, wonder why the person who told you they loved you, sometimes mere hours before, is the same person who told you it’s over.
Simple tasks become hard, we wonder how we will ever make it through the month let alone the day or even the hours that come. We have shame, and question every move, every word we’ve spoken, every act or lack of act. The first day is a blur and soon turns into a week where we look back and wonder if this will ever feel normal and if we will ever be okay again.
We go through waves and cycles of “I am free” to “I am alone” to “why me” to “will I ever love again”? It quite literally rips a matt from under us, makes us question everything, makes us want to never show our face again and brings us to puddles of tears on the bathroom floor, and there is no quick fix or cure to take the pain away.
We’ve all tried it, but there is nothing sustainable that works with the click of a button, the swallow of a pill, the chugging of a liquid, none of this is what cures a broken heart.
Bandaids stop the bleeding but they don’t fix the problem.
I’ve had my heart broken three times in my life. Each situation was very different but there were several similarities as well. Each heartbreak got progressively worse too, there is no such thing as experience or multiple practice rounds to prepare us for what hits us.
I’ve tried no contact, therapy, books, podcasts, going out, dating again, taking vacations, you name it and yes these things help little by little, bit by bit, but just when you feel like you’re making headway is often when you find out your ex has moved on and is happily doing life with someone else.
This is the second level of heartbreak, and for me, has been the most devastating. This next level hits you harder sometimes than the initial blow, but it often can provide a lot of clarity too. This is the real, 100%, no turning back, in your face “they are over you and have moved on and so you must give up all hope at a future and move on as well” clarity and closure that often we don’t receive after heartbreak level one.
But first we go through the awful self deprecating thoughts of
- Why them?
- What do they have that I don’t?
- Do they tell them what they told me?
- Do they laugh at the same things?
- Do they love them more?
- Do they ever think of me still?
- Do they even care about me? Did they ever?
- Are they living together?
- Will they be married with kids soon?
- Are they happy?
- Why don’t they want me? Whats wrong with me?
- Am I crazy?
These are very normal, or so I’ve been told. It’s hard not to picture your ex with their new partner together in ALL the activities you imagine. I found the one thing that really got me was one day when I had the thought “do they hold hands”? A simple gesture that isn’t high on the intimate scale but something that made my heart fall to my feet when I pictured it in my head.
There is something so painful in this stage. It’s having your heartbroken all over again and any progress you’ve made between the initial breakup and finding out your partner has moved on, seems to disintegrate and you realize you have to start this process all over again.
This is truly the hardest part, but I believe it can also be the most beautiful.
You know now without any doubt that it is over. You have all the clarity you could’ve ever wanted and you have closure. It is now very obvious that what you had with this person is in the past. A chapter has firmly closed for them which leaves you with no other option but to close your own.
They decided (this may even come as a shock because they couldn’t decide anything when you were dating) but they decided to close and open a new chapter and so must you.
I had no place to take my broken heart to, no one who could fix it, no one to help me start my next chapter, it had to be me. It’s a hard thing to find it in you when you feel depleted, lost, empty, worthless, to choose yourself and move forward, but you have no other choice. Your choices become
- Wallow in bed, be woe is me and sit in self pity for the rest of time
- Get up, dust yourself off, make the most out of this new freedom and blank page in front of you and make the most out of it. They’ve happily moved on and so should you.
So I started with little things, I’m making a list here for anyone who needs this. I’m not saying it’s foolproof, but it’s a start and they are baby steps, but steps none the less.
- I made lists in my phone, one titled “things I’m free from” and listed all the neg things I wouldn’t’ have to worry about anymore – this felt good to write and its a good place to go when you miss them and feel sad.
- I made other lists titled “things I won’t do in my next relationship”, “ways I’m letting go” a list of small things that felt huge to me but that I’d be proud of some day (throwing out a gift from them, deleting photos, etc)
- I got books from the library about heartbreak and how to move on, I literally studied it because I didn’t know how to do it on my own.
- I found things to pour my time and energy into
- I took a social media break – I didn’t want to know anything about anyone who knew him
- I focused on me, my health, my fitness
- I made sure I felt everything. If I wanted to cry, I let myself, If I wanted to think about him and his new gf, I let myself, If I wanted to scream, I screamed.
- I wrote so many things – poems, lyrics, letters, I just let it all out
- Therapy, I had been ignoring my therapist for months but knew I needed to call her back in for this one.
- This website is a good resource: https://blueprinttobreakup.com/
- I listened to so many podcasts, half about heartbreak, the other half about how to be your best self and move forward in your highest power.
I was very hesitant to write this blog. I hadn’t posted in awhile and was so nervous about being vulnerable with my heart and sharing this with the entire world, knowing it would only be read and seen by maybe ten people but I was scared none the less.
I can also say with honest confidence that I am in no way, shape or form healed from my latest heartbreak, it was my hardest one to date, but I think we are meant to share experiences and connect through pain and my hope is that one person will relate to this and get something out of it.
If you’re going through it right now, know you are not alone. I see you, I feel you and I hope you can look back on this someday with gratitude and love.
I still can’t believe people exist in the world who have never had their heartbroken, but there are people who have never had a cavity too and both things mystify me – be very grateful for both! But for the rest of us, heres to new chapters, an unwritten and exciting future and to growth and healing.
xo
Up My Alli 